The Begining of the Furlough is today! 4/3/2020 The Restart Begins

The day was March 18, 2020 when the webinar took place that we learned of our Furlough. To say that I wasn’t caught off guard would be an understatement. In the moment I was numb, scared, angry and then disbelief set in. I thought why me. I have charted a very successful and intentional career to get to this point and within an hour webinar I felt in the moment that it had all come to a crashing halt. The emotions where wild, fast and furious. It almost felt like my entire world had crashed and burned. Not just for being furloughed but because I started to think about all the financial obligations, I must maintain without revealing more to everyone. I was on the road to recovery and a strong recovery at that. My best friend, Eric, was so gracious and being the lil big brother he has become allowed me to stay with him back in Nov. This move allowed me to start the slow process of rebuilding some important parts of my financial life in a faster strategic way. I was able to divert money directly to some financial obligations that were a huge burden.

***Flashback to Fall 2019 - The Decision to Move out my place***

I was under so much financial strain in the summer/fall that I literally was having anxiety/panic attacks randomly at night or just out driving when I would think about what I was dealing with. Yet when I would get around anyone, I would bury those feeling deep and put on the smile that everyone has come to love about Travis. I started to take another hard look at my finances around August which is when I came up with the idea of possibly breaking my lease. At the time I didn’t really take it seriously. I just knew of all things my shelter would always be priority. As September came and I was late on my rent (don’t ask me where my damn money was going because it was coming in) I panicked and took out one of those crazy high interest high risk loans! Why the hell did I do that I would soon learn. Rent was paid and October roll around and I was like okay I need to rethink this and get from under the weight of this rent. The IRS installment plan had kicked in and I was deep in it. I made the decision to break the lease. It was one of the hardest yet adulting decisions I have ever made. My complex leasing office was extremely flexible with me all of 2019. I had been there for 6 years and paying the money I was paying I was a loyal resident with no problems or complaints. For the most part during those 6 years rent was always on time if not early except for the last part of 2019.

I felt again the SHAME, FAILURE and DISAPPOINTMENT come over me in an unconsumable wave. I did feel that god had left me out to dry alone. I didn’t understand why this was happening to me currently. I would hear whispers of just obey my son. This too will all make sense. Something I could not receive in that moment until, fast forward to April 3, 2020! FURLOUGHED!

At this point I realized I could no longer hide behind my ex, my friends, my co-workers or anyone outside of the choices that I made in my life. My head and heart hurts just writing this. It reminds me how I felt when I broke up with my partner of 8 years. He was really the joy of my world, but I digress. Back to the furlough, but maybe that is another chapter down the road. (takes a big gulp of my Coke)

How does one process and compartmentalize a reduction of pay down to 20% of their paycheck. When your life is set up based upon a full paycheck and more. The Mask begins to unravel in my head. How do I begin to process what is happening? How do I make any sense of it? How do I tell my friends? More importantly how do I tell my parents, sister and family? I’ve never wanted to be vulnerable to any of them. Always showing the strong put together Travis was what I have always done. The weight of keeping this charade up was crushing and collapsing on me. The Earthquake was reaching an 8.5 on the scale. How would I pay my bills? How would I pay my IRS debt installment of $1,150/month that automatically comes out my bi-weekly paycheck? I worked hard and long with the IRS to come up with this payment plan to get this debt paid off in 5 years. Would this jeopardize that agreement and cause more stress to worry about. ***Update*** I was able to work with the IRS on a deferment for 3 months and/or until I’m back to work.

What would happen to my career? How would I share with the public this embarrassing moment in my life? As I write this and read over the words, I realize a common theme: Embarrassment. Shame. Guilt. Failure. All these adjectives I have used to describe how I feel. Why have I put so much energy and mental space into what “others” thought about my life? This is something that I need to unpack later. Maybe even some professional guidance to help me unravel this internal conflict. This may be the path to ultimate healing beyond this blog.

After a call with my cousin (Sheba) she really helped to ground me on some of my thoughts, and perceptions. 1 – this is nothing new on this here side of the earth! 2 – I’m not the only one going through this or something similar. 3 – Its now time to listen to god because your purpose and calling is in the noise wanting and begging to come out. After publishing the first blog post I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, comments, wow moments from people, and more importantly and kind of surprising to me the revealing of other people’s masks as we well. There was a handful of folks that text or DM’d me that this was their story or something similar and they thanked me for my courage to reveal my truth. In that moment I realized that this blog was going to be bigger than my personal release and that I needed to be very mindful and responsible for the words I share in this space and for the replies to those that connect with me. Finding ones purpose out of one’s pain, stress and shame could ultimately be the biggest reward!

Until the next post, be well, stay safe and know that You Are Enough! Thank you, brother Harold, for this reminder!