The Black Experience - Let's have a Conversation about Black Trauma
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8 MINUTES and 46 Seconds! That’s the time that elapsed for 4 “trained” police officers who swore an oath to protect and serve the very same man whom they MURDERED! They stole George Floyd’s life away from him. Away from his daughter. Away from his family. Away from his friends. Away from his community. Away from US! George Floyd was robbed of many more endless possibilities of life, all because 4 “trained” police officers didn’t seem to find an ounce of human dignity in George Floyd. As our eyes and ears consumed what has now become somewhat a normal occurrence to my people, this one hit home differently and ripped the chest cavity of America wide open. To hear a grown man, cry out for his dead mother in his final moments of life, was too much for me to make sense of in the moment. My eyes could not process nor believe what I was watching. It was as if I was watching men out on the hunt kneeling over a wild game/animal that they had stalked without giving a fair shot at life. Grasping for every breath as if it was your last. “I Can’t Breathe!”
Not again! “I Can’t Breathe!” Those words still haunt us as a black community. It was July 17, 2014, New York City borough of Staten Island where Eric Garner was killed by the NYC police. We will never forget the images and video of his killing. A chokehold while arresting him for selling cigarettes on the street. A chokehold restraining movement that has been banned since 1993 in NYC. The trauma of that video watching him beg for his life while repeatedly saying “I Can’t Breathe,” will never leave me or us as a people. The trauma that his mother and family must live with day in and day is unimaginable. Imagine being a young black or brown person roaming the streets of NYC or any street in America having to live with the possibility of themselves saying I can’t breathe. Imagine being afraid that at any moment you could become a white chalk line on the pavement with the coroner pronouncing you dead on the street. Becoming a hashtag that fades away in a few weeks. This has become our new reality. Until….
Until your asked to make a run to the local store for some items. You’re a 17-year-old black kid with his entire life ahead of him. A hoodie, a tea and a bag of skittles would be your eventual last will and testament to your life. George Zimmerman felt that Trayvon didn’t belong in this community so he would stalk and chase him throughout his short walk back home. As with anyone fearing for their life Trayvon took a stand to defend his life and unfortunately, he lost that encounter. He should not have been put in a situation to lose his life. He should have been given the opportunity to live a long and vivid life for many more beautiful years to come. Trayvon was born February 5, 1995 and the sun set on his life February 26, 2012. His death, I believe, started the sick burning feeling in the pits of our stomach that something was going very wrong in America. We watched his mother Sabrina Fulton and father; Tracy Martin navigate what no parent should have to ever deal with as parents. The weight of the black community looking to them to hold their son up as the face of police brutality and racism in America is trauma. I cannot imagine the trauma they dealt with and continue to deal with to this day. I can’t imagine my parents, Eunice and Roger, my sister Tia and other family members standing at a podium hosting a news conference in a state of grief sharing my life’s story. In tears and pain while the world flash lights, cameras and shoot insensitive questions at them. While lawyers like crabs in a barrel nick at their helms trying to be their voice for the next civil lawsuit to try and put a price on the life of their loved one. That trauma is too much too bear especially in a senseless act of violence.
Imagine, hell you don’t have too we saw it happen! Philando Castile was a card-carrying licensed gun owner. July 6, 2016 he was pulled over with his girlfriend Diamond Reynolds and her four-year-old daughter, when at 9:00 p.m. their vehicle was pulled over by officer Yanez in St. Paul, Minnesota. You ask what did Philando Castile do? Hell, he was driving while black with his family while being a licensed gun owner. You may ask, did he tell the officer he had a gun and that he was licensed to carry. Why yes, he did. The officer who was “trained” to protect and serve did the complete opposite. He was the one Philando needed to protect himself from, but it didn’t turn out that way. Officer Yanez began to tell Philando to not reach for his gun and Philando said “I’m not.” Next thing we see on the live Facebook feed was officer Yanez firing 7/SEVEN rounds at close range into Philando within seconds. You may ask where Diamond and her four-year-old daughter were. They were in the car with him while the officer fired his weapon into that same damn car! I feel my blood heating up as I remember this murder of a law-abiding licensed gun owner that the NRA so gleefully like to proclaim is an American right. However, we never saw them come out in support of Philando being a licensed gun owner. I wonder why not? That black skin didn’t fit the narrative for them this time. Again, I ask you to imagine the trauma that Diamond and her daughter will have to live with as they go about their lives. How does one move in and out of life with that traumatic memory? How will the beautiful 4-year-old angel deal with the tragic memory after she is told about it in her later years? I guess she is just supposed to pull herself up by her bootstraps. That pisses me off saying that but its what we hear all the time! Fuck you and your bootstraps.
Speaking of pulling oneself up by their “bootstraps,” Breonna Taylor was doing just that before her life was snatched away from her. She was working as an EMT saving lives in the community she lived and served in. She had dreams of becoming a nurse that would further her life’s prosperity toward the so called “American Dream.” She was laying in bed with her boyfriend when late at night INTRUDERS broke in and her boyfriend did what any law-abiding citizen would have done. Protect his family. The no-knock warrant allowed the INTRUDERS, A.K.A police force, to come in without any notice or announcement. I cannot imagine the fright and terror they both experienced that night. Close your eyes and place yourself and your family in their shoes. Guns raised and doors falling, and you don’t know what is about to happen. Breonna’s body was riddled with bullets and she died instantly. Mind you the “INTRUDERS” were at the wrong house! Therefore no-knock warrants should be banned. Her life didn’t matter to them. Now, image the Police doing this in an affluent white community. Wait. You can’t because that would never happen. White America would be given the benefit of the doubt with a phone call or a knock at the door. The sheer lack of basic humanity was on full display here.
The lack of humanity shown to one segment of the LGBTQ community and especially our Black Trans Queens has been on full display. My sisters are being killed at an alarming rate and it should be considered an epidemic. As a Black Gay man, I fully understand not feeling like you can be your authentic self in your everyday life. I hid my true self from everyone for years upon years. The burden of that weight was depressing at times. So, imagine being a Black Transwomen and the world and more importantly your own people not supporting you. Not supporting you is being nice as I really should say killing you! Say their names; Nina Pope, Dominque Fells, Riah Milton, Tony Mcdade, Merci Mack, Brayla Stone and the list goes on and on. The life we live in the LGBTQ community is not an easy one. Not only do we have to live with being ostracized for being LGBTQ, but we also must deal with the racism that comes along with being Black and Brown. I try to place myself in the shoes of my fellow queens, but I find it hard to process the magnitude of the trauma they face and deal with daily. If we say Black Lives Matter, we truly need to mean exactly that, all Black Lives Matter.
All these events bring us to the current state of America. The reckoning of America facing the hundreds of years of systematic and institutionalized racism has come to a head. George Floyd was the gasoline thrown on the embers that were simmering underneath the surface. Too many times have we seen our black and brown brothers and sisters wrongfully murdered at the hands of law enforcement. Too many times have we faced housing, education, financial, employment, Income equalities and healthcare racism. These incidents do not get recorded so its harder for America to speak out about it. Being shown a home in a black neighborhood only and not the available homes in a less diverse community is housing racism. Banking institutions that decline and/or call the cops because “they” feel your check is fraudulent or they decline you for a loan because they consider you “high risk” is racism. Being passed up for a promotion time and time again at work because “its not your time,” is racism. Doing the same role with equal experience but paid less is racism. Black female mothers being ignored by their OBGYN causing higher maternal mortality rate is racism. These are just a few examples of what we as black and brown people must experience and endure. But we are expected to pull ourselves up by our “bootstraps.” How do we do that when at every corner there is a major obstacle against us, that our white counterparts do not experience. As the old wise folks would say, we are sick and tired! Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
The Black Lives Matter protest that have erupted around the world are a testament to us being sick and tired. We are no longer accepting the status quo! Statues are coming down that are symbols of racism. Companies are having to change their logos and names as they represent racist images of black people. Companies are having to change their policies, procedures and hiring practices to reflect a more diverse workforce. I think one of the most inspiring things coming out of this as our former President Barack Obama said, this time it feels and looks different than the protest of the civil rights era and movement. If you haven’t participated in one of the protest or rallies, you may not have seen the diverse make up of the people participating. In fact, I would say there are more none black and brown people taking to the streets. Hearing George Floyd pled for breath and his mother I think punched everyone in their human gut and heart. America can no longer ignore the fact that the contract between black folks and America was broken! We didn’t break it, America broke it! From the moment the slave ships arrived, and we built the agriculture industry of the south and the textile industry of the north we were never given a chance to participate in the wealth and prosperity our white counterparts experienced. I invite you to research Tulsa, Oklahoma and Rosewood to understand what I mean by the previous statement.
During all of this we are also seeing the deep-rooted racism and fragility of some Americans. The phrase “Karen and Kevin” have been birthed during this movement. They have weaponized their whiteness to cause harm and potential death to black and brown people. We have seen the viral video clips almost every hour on the hour. They seem to get more and more vile as the days go by. Bird watching in a park while black. Grilling in a park while black. Eating while black. Shopping at Target while black. The list goes on and on and we are no longer shocked anymore. The N-word is being thrown around like its bird feed in central park. By the way the Central Park 5 were innocent even though your current president has yet to apologize but I digress.
There is so much that can be discussed in this moment in time and I’m sure I’ll write more about it. I’m going to close with some questions from a dear friend’s Facebook post that I think our white counterparts should ask themselves before you try and dive into dialogue with us about this moment. The responsibility of correcting racism now falls on you. We have been speaking, screaming, yelling what we are experiencing and need so that we all can share in this thing called an equal and equitable American life. Dismantle these racist institutions, programs, policies and open the country to a fairer reality for all to share. This isn’t a Black vs White thing. It’s a Black vs Racism thing and we shouldn’t confuse the two. Based on some of the things I’ve seen and read lately it’s clear that some are dealing with white fragility. Its ok, I don’t take your aggressions personally, it’s like water off a duck’s back, because I know exactly what it is. Here are a few things one should ask themselves:
White Fragility Self-Test
1 – Do I feel defensive when a person of color says, “white people?”
2 – Do I feel angry when people tell me that I benefit from white privilege?
3 – Do I have a history of embracing or growing up in racism that I feel ashamed of and so I need to show people that I’m not racist anymore?
4 – Does saying “Not all white people” or similar phrases make me feel better when someone calls white people out for something?
5 – Do I feel the need to defend myself on any of the above questions?
Source: Ally Henny, @thearmchairmcom
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are possibly dealing with white fragility. Take time to access why you feel the way you do. Take time to listen to different perspectives. Surround yourself and your family with people, cultures that look different than yours. Your experience shouldn’t be monotone. If your friends, family and brunch gatherings have people that all look like you maybe it’s time to self-assess.
I challenge us to take a self-assessment of Black Trauma and how it affects us throughout our lives. To suggest that one can just pull themselves up and be productive citizens while packing and burying these traumas is disingenuous and flat out insensitive. If we are truly all “Free” the playing field of life should be equal and equitable for us all. These conversations need and should be taking place moving forward. They are going to be hard and painful but the only way we see our way through and become better is to have them. Its okay if you don’t know what to say, but I ask that you be open and set aside your white fragility as we share our Black Trauma with you.