Why Did I Get Married...

There are so many reasons why people get married.  Some do it out of love for the other person.  Some enter the sanctity of marriage for financial reasons.  Some do it in hopes of living up to expectations set by their families and peers.  Some do it out of the fear of growing old alone.  And finally, some do it to try and mask hidden feelings that they believe the marriage will “fix”. 

I believe in some situations there can be a combination of some or all these reasons and more.  This is where I found myself.  In this blog I will try and breakdown some of the reasons why I married my college sweetheart.  I have been asked this question many times over the years and my answers have all been different depending on who was asking.  This unmasking of being totally transparent and honest with myself will reveal my true “why”.  While putting these words into the ether, my hope is that you, the reader allow yourself a personal moment to reflect, on your vision of marriage and what it means to you.  The unmasking and coming to a place of honesty about my “why” has been healing therapy for me to make peace with myself.  Cat Momma will be my ex-wife’s nickname throughout this blog.  It was also my nickname for her while we were together.  Yes, my name was Cat Daddy.    

It was the first week of college and I remember seeing her at the bus stop at the bottom of college hill. She captivated me with her beauty and confidence.  I never approached her but if I remember correctly, we smiled at each other and went about our way.   Days later, I was checking my mail and there was a note from her.  I really don’t remember how we connected but we did.  I really should chat with her about how we connected and started officially dating.   I just remember being with her our entire college tenure except for about 6 months during my senior year.  We were inseparable—for the most part.  She pledged Zeta Phi Beta and became a faithful member during school.  I was consumed with my on campus catering job and hanging with my best friends.  Thinking back, we both worked a lot.  She worked at Express the clothing company.  One thing we both did very well was shopping.  There would be times that we would hide bags from each other of our shopping excursions.   I fondly remember enjoying the times we would travel to her home in Fayetteville, NC.  I loved visiting her family.  We had a great time together.  I understand why I loved her as I think back on our years together.  We were together almost 10 years between our college years of dating, engagement and marriage.    

Now, the road to walking down the aisle of happily ever after.  Happily, Ever After, can have many different variations of happy. (The mature adult man in me that has lived on this earth for 42 years can say that without hesitation, even after being a divorce).  After graduating from East Carolina University, I moved to Tampa, Florida the same weekend of graduating in December.  Cat Momma didn’t join me in the beginning due to her having to finish one more semester.  This allowed me time to get settled and to really focus on my first job out of college.  Let’s back up a bit.  I don’t remember how and when the idea of marriage came up but before she moved down to Tampa we were engaged.  Mind you we were both very young and just out of college.  Imagine being 22, just out of college with a new job, living in a new state and engaged—or should I say accountable for more than just myself and my needs.

Let’s talk about age and marriage for a moment.  My take on this is in no means the gospel suggesting the appropriate age to enter marriage with another adult.  However, this assessment comes from a person who experienced marriage at a young age.  I really had no idea of what marriage really was outside of what I saw from my parents and family members.  I thought it was easy because they all seemed to make it look that way.  I never considered not being fully mature enough or equipped to handle such a serious undertaking.  What do I mean by mature enough? Not having lived long enough to experience the many things life can throw at you. Not fully understanding who I was as a person coming into adult hood. 

I was so young and inexperienced that I was calling back home, to ask my parents for help to pay my bills, yet I was engaged to another human being where we would share the responsibility of being responsible for each other’s well-being.  What the hell was I thinking.  As I reflect on my early years of marriage (as a now, 43-year-old man who has lived and traveled the world), I can honestly say I was too damn young to be anyone’s husband.  In the past 5 years, I now finally feel like I know who I am as an adult male.  I know there will be many perspectives about age and marriage, but I ask that you take a step back and out of your lens of defense to consider another point of view.  Age is more than a number, it’s a representation of the years you have lived and experienced the world that help craft your views and decision-making skills.  Your ability to compromise and sacrifice through decisions and hard times. 

I loved Cat Momma.   Anyone who ask me to this day, did I love her, and my reply would always be a quick “Yes!”  I have never had to think about that question, because my love for her was real.  I remember when I first met her at the bus stop and how I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had seen.  I felt that way through our entire marriage.  She was always beautiful and sexy to me.  I would always enjoy watching her get ready whenever we would go out some place.  Her routine was extensive but not because she wore make-up (because she did not and did not need it either)—it was the care she had for every inch of her body.  She always smelled amazing and her short stature was always something to behold.  For the most part we also enjoyed our time together.  I think she did.  LOL!   One of the things that I loved was her intelligence.  During our time in school Cat Mommas was very serious about her studies and securing top scores on her course work.  I on the other hand wasn’t as focused on that, I spent my time working and having a good time with my friends.  We were polar opposites in that sense of a courtship, but maybe Ying-Yang.  I loved the love between her and her family.  Particularly the relationship that her mom, sister and aunt and even her dad had for each other.  It reminded me of the love and relationships my family and I have for each other.  I knew I wanted to be with someone whose family relationships were rooted in love just like mine.  Most importantly, Cat Momma was an overall great person.  I never heard her curse or talk disparagingly about anyone.  I still think to this day she is an amazing human and angel that god created.  Even after learning her ex-husband was gay, she still sends her love and support of me.  That is the type of human being I thank God for placing on this earth.

Now, to the question that’s on everyone’s mind: Why did I get married if I thought I was gay?  Hell, I’ve had to asked myself that many times over the years.  Imagine being a 22-year-old “man” who was too afraid to live his truth not only to himself but to his family, friends and soon to be colleagues and soon to be wife.  The gravity of that was too heavy to deal with at that young age and I didn’t really have gay friends to help navigate or learn about the gay life.  The main reason, though, was to mask my gay identity from my family.  I felt that if I was married, my family wouldn’t question my sexuality.  I feared the condemnation or the questions that I didn’t have answers for at that time.  I couldn’t explain to them that I felt different and attracted to men, yet I did love my wife.  I didn’t know how to make sense of that and trying to explain that to anyone was impossible to me at that time.  Besides, I thought I was bisexual.  How about that for blowing your mind.  

I loved my wife and we were at it like rabbits during mating season early on in our marriage.   She was and continues to be one of the most beautiful women I have encountered in my 43 years of life.  Over the years I’ve also come to understand that part of that blame I was putting on my family as an excuse was also part of my insecurity.  Not being able to be brave enough to own my true authentic identity as a gay man.   But, how can you own something when you don’t fully understand these feelings you are experiencing?  As I have learned over my later years of life and meeting many of those within the LGBTQI community, I’ve learned that sexuality can come in many different forms and experiences.  Learning and coming to terms with where you fall on the spectrum can take you years to figure out after years of experimenting, learning yourself, releasing insecurities or it can come early in age.  This may shine some light on why I got married while thinking I belonged on some part of the spectrum.  I wasn’t ready to own it and walk in my authentic light. 

There is much more I can share about my marriage but that will come later in the book.  I can’t give all the juicy stories away, now could I.  The above reasons are from my perspective of getting married and living with that decision.  I know there are many other reasons that people choose to get married.  I challenge you to take assessment of your reason/s for walking down the aisle (or hoping to) and be honest with yourself about your, Why.  It could help you build a stronger marriage if your still in it.  It could assist your growth if divorced for the next marriage.  It could help you navigate the dating experience because you have taken assessment of how YOU have (will) show up in your marriage and how you can improve yourself to be a better person for your partner.  That was my take-away of this exercise.  I know my short comings and my positive attributes.  I try my best to show up as a better human and partner at most times.  Sometimes I fall short, but I hope when I do, I’m given grace and an opportunity to show better the next time.  Marriage can be and is a beautiful journey, but it requires patience, compromise, sacrifice, communication, a little selflessness, and lots of love.  If I marry again, I hope I show up as my best self for me and for my partner. 

A letter of love and compassion to my younger self. 

Hey young insecure and unsure about what you are about to do, breath and know that you will learn some great things about yourself.  I’m not going to tell you not to marry Cat Momma.  Nor will I tell you that you made a mistake in doing so but I do want you to learn to love your true authentic self.  It will allow you to navigate some tough decisions from a place of care and empathy.  I know you are afraid to live your truth and deeper than that you are still trying to fully understand your sexuality.  I’m here to tell you, its going to take some time and its okay.  I know at times you have been extremely hard on yourself and carried a weight of guilt about marrying Cat Momma because you were questioning your sexuality but listen man don’t be too hard on yourself.  Life is damn complicated and there are many factors that help us to develop into the adult you will become.  Your family loves you and will support you no matter what, so once you realize your truth, you no longer should be afraid to share your true self with them.  Its not your weight to carry.  Release it and live Travis! 

I Love you man!